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So drunk that we can no longer tell the difference between our eyeballs and mouths when taking shots, someone's eye falls victim to a misguided shot. "OOOWWWWWW, MY FUCKING EYE!!!" I commence to punch her in her eye with a towel.

We all head to the bedroom, where he's making out with her, while my left hand is in between her legs. She's getting really turned on, living the fantasy of having two guys. I pull out my hand to re-adjust myself...in the dark.

I try to re-renter. Fucking shit. I can't find her hole. It should be around here somewhere, just feel for the wet spot, just feel for the wet spot. Push. Nothing. OK, I must be crazy. One minute ago, she was wetter than Niagara Falls, and now she's dryer than the Mohave Desert.

Push. Push. What the fuck is wrong??? What are these!?? Oh shit, oh shit. Oh God, Oh God NO!. No fucking Way, No fucking Way! Squeeze. Holy Fuck, Holy Fuck!. These are balls!!! That motherfucker switched positions when I took my hand out, and I didn't know it.

I get up, screaming like a little girl, and run all the way home to decontaminate my left hand. It is said that every guy has a small percentage of homosexuality in him, so I guess mine is my left hand. Jesus titty-fucking 151.

Cheating Wife to be: Hey, can you come over and sit with me?

Me: (Noticing her tiara on her head) Aren't you suppose to be getting married soon?