From Unknown, 11 Months ago, written in Plain Text.
  11. As in any relationship, it takes two to fly this airplane. If the husband just isn't interested in being in the cockpit (and it sure sounds like it in Lauren's case), you'd better consider the flight grounded.
  13. Sam
  15. by Sam2020 on 2005 Nov 13 - 00:52 | reply to this comment
  16. a few comments
  17. Lauren,
  18. I had a different impression of 'acting as if'. I understood the word 'act' to be like 'behave'. I did not think of act in terms of playing a role on stage, screen, or in the home. It's just a word, but if you reread the original and substitute behave for act the overall impression is different. It does not seem like one is trying to seduce or deceive (by changing behavior).
  20. Whether we say act or behave, or tomayto or tomahto, I think you are right when you say "I suppose I think that joint issues cannot really be tackled effectively unless they're first articulated". So behaving as if will not work if your partner has no idea what the behavior means.
  22. When you talk about 'as if' versus 'what is', it seems to me that the way we behave in an intimate relationship defines 'what is'. Again, I think you are right to say "changing the self is certainly focusing on the only person one has the power to change".
  24. But the way we act towards another person depends a lot on our perceptions of the other person (as well as our perceptions of ourself). By changing your behaviour, your partner's perception of you will probably change. This will usually lead to a change in your partner's behaviour. I don't see this as manipulation or seduction, but I expect others would disagree.
  26. As you say, "the thing is, his reaction will be determined by him and may not be at all in the direction wanted or anticipated by the woman". I think that is true, but there is no reason to expect a reaction that makes things worse.
  28. This is all very nice in theory, sort of based on Albert Ellis. I realize it may not work for many or most, but I think it is not silly or impossible. I am not trying to argue with you or convince you of anything. If you have tried it and found it didn't work, then that's the real 'what is' for you.